Advertisement: A tool used by business to get money out of people that don’t have it, for something that they don’t need.
Alimony: Two person mistake paid by one.
Auditor: Person that arrives after battle to finish off the wounded.
Bank: A place that will lend you money only when you don’t need it.
Bear Market: Eight months when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
Broker: The person that you trust with thousands of your hard earned dollars. Hello!
Broker: What my broker has made me.
Broker: Poorer than you were last year.
Budget: Written proof that you can’t afford the things you want.
Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
CEO: Chief embezzlement officer.
CFO: Chief fraud officer.
Day Trader: A more socially acceptable gambling addict.
Discounted Stock: A stock that is less expensive than last month and more expensive than it will be next month.
EBIT: Earnings before irregularities and tampering.
EBITDA: Earnings before I tricked the dumb auditor.
EPS: Eventual prison sentence.
FRS: Fantasy reporting standards.
Institutional Investor: Past year investor who is now locked up in a mental institute.
Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.
Momentum Investing: the fine art of buying high and selling low.
P/E Ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
Profit: A man that prays to a supreme being.
Standard and Poor (S&P): Your life in a nutshell.
Stock Analyst: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Stock Market Correction: The term your broker uses for a stock market crash.
Stock Split: When your former wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.